So. Meh. Life is a full and crazy roller coaster and it never seems to calm down for even a little bit. That's how I'm feeling right now. So this post may be a little on the depressing side, but you know, I write to get my thoughts out. So here they are.
I'm in the middle of a separation-->divorce. In the state that I live in, I have to to be separated for a year before I can even file for a divorce. This post is not about my estranged husband and our marriage directly. I may or may not write about that later in life. I am not sure yet. I still love him and want to protect what is said about him. I've kept a lot of our relationship secretive for that purpose. I'm over protecting everything to my friends/family, but I'm not ready to say things about it on here. I don't want to upset him or his family. Just know that the end of the relationship was very toxic. I'm not saying I'm innocent in the failure of our marriage. But, that's beside the point for now. There are a few things that he told me before he left me that I want to write about. Things that hurt and burned deep in me, branded me with their sharpness. They attacked my insecurities about my health/weight/disorder, whether that was the main goal or not, I'll never know. These aren't in order, but they are things that were said in the last months of our marriage.
"I didn't realize that you were going to be this sick when we got married. I didn't realize that I was taking this on." This is a slight paraphrase, as the exact words in the exact order have slightly fuzzed.
"I know that it's not, but I feel like your weight has everything to do with this. That you are just using it as an excuse to make me do more around the house."
These statements to me sucked. It hurt. I didn't know I was "this sick" when we got married either. Granted, at that point, he was used to me being sick, multiple ER trips, always going to the doctor, and always sick/injured. In my opinion the only thing that changed was the diagnosis.
Maybe that was the problem. I was diagnosed. I had a name to my issues. They were never going to end, never going to get better. It was a confirmation to an eternal struggle that I will never win. My goal in life right now is to manage it. Manage it so that I don't have to rely on someone ever again. It's not fair. Who the hell would sign up to take care of me, to cater to a chronically ill person. I'm not putting down those that take care of people like me, people who can't ever be "fixed." Those people have a life of just as much struggle. They never know what the next challenge will bring, how much their person will need to lean on them, how much help they will need, or how long they will be down. In all reality I think what hurts the most is that I can't blame him for feeling like he got cheated out of a "good wife." I couldn't be a good wife 24/7. Hell I can't even be a good me 24/7. I'm lucky when I can shower everyday, sleep enough, and work. Scratch that sleep part, I'm lucky when I can shower everyday and work without sacrificing all my energy to be able to do anything else. I know there were days that the depression was too much, or the anxiety of doctors, and the constant medical attention that I ended up needing were overwhelming to myself and I couldn't imagine what he felt about it. Do I wish he did more, yes. Do I feel like he did everything he could, no. Can I blame him, no. Even those the words hurt, I see his side. I see the fear and challenges of being with a zebra. When we first got together I tried to cook dinner at least more than half the week. That lasted for a while, but at some point fell to the side. Was that my fault, yeah. I could have tried more. But my fear with this whole statement, is I was too much for him to handle with me being sick, is there someone out there who would be able to take it on? To take care of me? To help when I can't do those things? What if I become handicap and in a wheelchair? What if I become bed ridden? What does "in sickness and in health" really mean? Does it cover finding things out after your married? Am I to blame for not finding out sooner, trying harder, or "not getting over it?"
My weight is a touchy subject. I know I'm fat. Do I sit on the couch and eat a whole bag of chips and eat cake all day? No. Do I eat my 6-7 small meals a day? No. Do I work out? I do good for a little bit then I usually get sick or injured. After that I have a hard time getting back on the horse. I'm working on it as best as I can. I will one day begin to lose the weight. Maybe gaining the 10-20 pounds during our time together was "too much." I don't know, and I don't know that I will ever know what he truly felt about it. But I'll tell you, as a fat kid, I constantly feel judge. Every time I eat anything, go to a food place, wear anything other than super baggy clothes, I feel like the world is staring me down, judging me for my weight. Thinking how ugly and fat I am. One day I hope to eventually be comfortable as me. Who I am. Fat/skinny, zebra, and me.
This is one of my biggest insecurities. It maybe part of the depression, the anxiety, or maybe it's just normal as a zebra to feel this way. But I wonder, am I worth it all? Would I ever be enough, even though I'm broken? Would I ever find someone that is willing to take on a broken me? Am I too broken to be loved? I've been blessed with a best friend who steps up and she took care of me when my husband didn't. But at the same time, she didn't sign up for that either. I feel like a burden on her most of the time. Asking her for help kills me inside every time as that I'm afraid she will just get tired of me. Like my husband. Granted I know I can't judge everyone on that, but I feared it before and it happened. I hope to God it won't happen again, but I am sure it will, at some point. I will be too much for someone. Most people think I'm joking when I warn them that I'm trouble. I might not be get arrested trouble, but I sure am a lot of trouble to take on.
Right now in my separation, trying to manage my EDS/POTS, and figure out my life of who I am and what I want, I don't feel the need to get married again. It's not being bitter, it's just not in my priorities. But I still worry that I will be alone for the rest of my life. I realize that this is a fairly normal "divorcee" feeling, but then again, not a single part of my is normal.
Again, this post is dealing with my anxiety and depression. I don't want to hide those parts. Those parts are things that other people deal with too. I need to not be ashamed. I have suffered from these for a long time. I am getting help for them, I promise. This isn't a call for help, or looking for uplifting words. (Although they never hurt. lol) This was just to get these thoughts off my chest and out of my mind. To let me rest easy for the last night of my weekend. Sorry if this post was a little more jumbled and rambling. It's time for bed. I've wasted all of my energy today finishing up shopping for Christmas and in getting some more warm clothes/new shoes for work. So good night blog world. Keep on trucking.
