So. Meh. Life is a full and crazy roller coaster and it never seems to calm down for even a little bit. That's how I'm feeling right now. So this post may be a little on the depressing side, but you know, I write to get my thoughts out. So here they are.
I'm in the middle of a separation-->divorce. In the state that I live in, I have to to be separated for a year before I can even file for a divorce. This post is not about my estranged husband and our marriage directly. I may or may not write about that later in life. I am not sure yet. I still love him and want to protect what is said about him. I've kept a lot of our relationship secretive for that purpose. I'm over protecting everything to my friends/family, but I'm not ready to say things about it on here. I don't want to upset him or his family. Just know that the end of the relationship was very toxic. I'm not saying I'm innocent in the failure of our marriage. But, that's beside the point for now. There are a few things that he told me before he left me that I want to write about. Things that hurt and burned deep in me, branded me with their sharpness. They attacked my insecurities about my health/weight/disorder, whether that was the main goal or not, I'll never know. These aren't in order, but they are things that were said in the last months of our marriage.
"I didn't realize that you were going to be this sick when we got married. I didn't realize that I was taking this on." This is a slight paraphrase, as the exact words in the exact order have slightly fuzzed.
"I know that it's not, but I feel like your weight has everything to do with this. That you are just using it as an excuse to make me do more around the house."
These statements to me sucked. It hurt. I didn't know I was "this sick" when we got married either. Granted, at that point, he was used to me being sick, multiple ER trips, always going to the doctor, and always sick/injured. In my opinion the only thing that changed was the diagnosis.
Maybe that was the problem. I was diagnosed. I had a name to my issues. They were never going to end, never going to get better. It was a confirmation to an eternal struggle that I will never win. My goal in life right now is to manage it. Manage it so that I don't have to rely on someone ever again. It's not fair. Who the hell would sign up to take care of me, to cater to a chronically ill person. I'm not putting down those that take care of people like me, people who can't ever be "fixed." Those people have a life of just as much struggle. They never know what the next challenge will bring, how much their person will need to lean on them, how much help they will need, or how long they will be down. In all reality I think what hurts the most is that I can't blame him for feeling like he got cheated out of a "good wife." I couldn't be a good wife 24/7. Hell I can't even be a good me 24/7. I'm lucky when I can shower everyday, sleep enough, and work. Scratch that sleep part, I'm lucky when I can shower everyday and work without sacrificing all my energy to be able to do anything else. I know there were days that the depression was too much, or the anxiety of doctors, and the constant medical attention that I ended up needing were overwhelming to myself and I couldn't imagine what he felt about it. Do I wish he did more, yes. Do I feel like he did everything he could, no. Can I blame him, no. Even those the words hurt, I see his side. I see the fear and challenges of being with a zebra. When we first got together I tried to cook dinner at least more than half the week. That lasted for a while, but at some point fell to the side. Was that my fault, yeah. I could have tried more. But my fear with this whole statement, is I was too much for him to handle with me being sick, is there someone out there who would be able to take it on? To take care of me? To help when I can't do those things? What if I become handicap and in a wheelchair? What if I become bed ridden? What does "in sickness and in health" really mean? Does it cover finding things out after your married? Am I to blame for not finding out sooner, trying harder, or "not getting over it?"
My weight is a touchy subject. I know I'm fat. Do I sit on the couch and eat a whole bag of chips and eat cake all day? No. Do I eat my 6-7 small meals a day? No. Do I work out? I do good for a little bit then I usually get sick or injured. After that I have a hard time getting back on the horse. I'm working on it as best as I can. I will one day begin to lose the weight. Maybe gaining the 10-20 pounds during our time together was "too much." I don't know, and I don't know that I will ever know what he truly felt about it. But I'll tell you, as a fat kid, I constantly feel judge. Every time I eat anything, go to a food place, wear anything other than super baggy clothes, I feel like the world is staring me down, judging me for my weight. Thinking how ugly and fat I am. One day I hope to eventually be comfortable as me. Who I am. Fat/skinny, zebra, and me.
This is one of my biggest insecurities. It maybe part of the depression, the anxiety, or maybe it's just normal as a zebra to feel this way. But I wonder, am I worth it all? Would I ever be enough, even though I'm broken? Would I ever find someone that is willing to take on a broken me? Am I too broken to be loved? I've been blessed with a best friend who steps up and she took care of me when my husband didn't. But at the same time, she didn't sign up for that either. I feel like a burden on her most of the time. Asking her for help kills me inside every time as that I'm afraid she will just get tired of me. Like my husband. Granted I know I can't judge everyone on that, but I feared it before and it happened. I hope to God it won't happen again, but I am sure it will, at some point. I will be too much for someone. Most people think I'm joking when I warn them that I'm trouble. I might not be get arrested trouble, but I sure am a lot of trouble to take on.
Right now in my separation, trying to manage my EDS/POTS, and figure out my life of who I am and what I want, I don't feel the need to get married again. It's not being bitter, it's just not in my priorities. But I still worry that I will be alone for the rest of my life. I realize that this is a fairly normal "divorcee" feeling, but then again, not a single part of my is normal.
Again, this post is dealing with my anxiety and depression. I don't want to hide those parts. Those parts are things that other people deal with too. I need to not be ashamed. I have suffered from these for a long time. I am getting help for them, I promise. This isn't a call for help, or looking for uplifting words. (Although they never hurt. lol) This was just to get these thoughts off my chest and out of my mind. To let me rest easy for the last night of my weekend. Sorry if this post was a little more jumbled and rambling. It's time for bed. I've wasted all of my energy today finishing up shopping for Christmas and in getting some more warm clothes/new shoes for work. So good night blog world. Keep on trucking.
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
Wednesday, November 30, 2016
Life of being an Alphabet
So in my last post I wrote about finally being diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (EDS.) Since that diagnosis I've collected a diagnosis of Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS), on top of the Raynaud's.
EDS is a connective tissue disorder. Anything and everything with collagen can be affected, depending on the type of EDS you have. The three most common types are Hypermobile, Classical, and Vascular. Vascular is considered the most "severe" since it usually has a life expectancy in the 40s and you can have organ ruptures (including the heart.) Classical can have signs and symptoms of both Hypermobile and Vascular. Hypermobile is considered to be the most painful with a higher joint issue. I was officially diagnosed with Hypermobile with Classical tendencies. My skin itself shows signs of either. The reason that it is hard to diagnose is Hypermobile isn't linked to specific genes yet, and Classical only is linked 50 percent of the time. Right now I am in the middle of waiting on genetic testing though to make sure I don't have Vascular type. The good thing, for some parts, is that Vascular usually doesn't have the hypermobile joints as the Hypermobile type, so most likely I'm not. But we are checking to be sure. My main symptoms of the EDS side: joint hypermobility in everything but my elbows (although my hands are getting stiffer every month), my scars both keloid and become cigarette paper scars, I have lots of sprains, strains, and pull tendons, healing time on surgeries and those sprains are a lot longer than normal, stomach issues, and a few other things that coincide with my other disorders.
The Raynaud's is the easiest to describe. Basically my body can't equalize temperature correctly. Due to everything else, my heater in my body and my air conditioning is defective. I always say my thermostat is broken. With the Raynaud's I can't stay warm, get warm when I'm cold, and I always suck heat from other people. My hands often turn purple/blue and then white, like I'm getting frost bit. When they warm up they turn red and feel like they are on fire. My ears like to turn red randomly, which is more annoying than anything else. My feet are usually purple, as I prefer them to be cold than hot. Although when I take a shower they usually look almost black. (Part of this is because of blood pooling too which has caused discoloration of my lower legs and they swell a lot if I'm sitting in a chair/car or standing for a long period of time.) This next part will be slightly graphic. The worst part of the Raynaud's is called a vasospasm and I get it on my breasts. My nipples get hard, turn white, and are extremely tender. This usually happens when my body as a whole gets too cold or when I'm stressing a lot. Pressure helps, but overall pressure, like the feeling of a bra, hurts, like a searing/burning pain. It's straight up agony. I can deal with the rest of the Raynaud's, but that part sucks.
POTS, not the drug and not the opposite of pans. (Although there is a disorder PANS, but that is a whole 'nother story.) Basically anytime I move, get sick, get stressed my autonomic nervous system doesn't act normal. This affects my thermostat too, but a lot more than that. My heart rate increases, my chest gets tight, it's hard to breathe, I feel dizzy, lightheaded, like I'm going to pass out, usually my stomach starts cramping, and I start feeling the like the world is in slow motion and nothing makes sense. Afterward, assuming I don't pass out, I get super tired and confused. This can make me sluggish for a few days afterward. A few times I've had issues where my heart rate dropped too low (we are playing with the adjustment of my meds right now) and I had trouble staying awake and remembering to breathe. Usually with the POTS when I get up my heart rate jumps (30+ is the minimum for a diagnosis) anywhere from 20-50 beats a minute higher. On my meds my resting heart rate is in the mid 60s, without resting is in the 80s, and when I'm sick the resting is high 90s. You can see where a jump in my heart rate can make a huge different. When I was first diagnoses I failed my stress test 3 minutes in, they diagnosed my as POTS with inappropriate sinus tachycardia as my heart rate was 173 and I started fuzzing out. **Fuzzing out is my term for when my eyes go into a dark tunnel vision like sensation, my ears thump to my heart beat and I can't hear anything else, and my legs get weak.)
Just to help explain what I go through beside the things above... I live everyday in pain. I try to ignore it as best as I can. If I complain that I hurt, it's because it is a really bad day. I never sleep well. I have a sleep study next month to hopefully help somehow. I've always had trouble going to sleep and staying asleep. I used to live on naps and naps alone. Now if I don't sleep I drag for days. I am always tired. Sometimes I'm so tired I can't even think, but there is always some degree of tired. I get sick most times that I eat. I take a handful of meds daily to make sure that my stomach doesn't cramp up when I eat, no matter what I eat. I usually spend every day nauseous to some degree. The really bad episodes of it I feel like I can't move without puking. I couldn't live without those meds and mints. Guess I'm not living long in the zombie apocalypse. I also have to be careful when I do daily tasks, like walking. I easily roll ankles and trip. I never know how close I am to walls and end up hitting my hands a lot on walls. I can't walk straight, almost ever.
My biggest thing for all this is a two part struggle. I constantly fear that people don't believe my, my disorders, my struggles every day. And I fear that people judge me for my weakness and that one day I'll have to depend on others. With those two things, I try to always hide my struggles, pretend I'm just a normal fat kid, and push myself too hard. But I'm learning to be open and honest. My friends and family love me for me and I need to stop trying to hide it. I've been blessed with amazing people in my life who are there for me. Some haven't been there for me, and they are no longer a part of my life. I am trying to take control of my body, my life, my disorders. Now that I have the knowledge, I'm ready. Before I was ready to get healthy to do derby. I can't do derby anymore. Too high risk of damage that won't heal for me. So for now I'm a derby lover, that is going to try to get healthy for me and myself. I can do this. I hope.
http://ehlers-danlos.com/
http://www.dysautonomiainternational.org/page.php?ID=30
EDS is a connective tissue disorder. Anything and everything with collagen can be affected, depending on the type of EDS you have. The three most common types are Hypermobile, Classical, and Vascular. Vascular is considered the most "severe" since it usually has a life expectancy in the 40s and you can have organ ruptures (including the heart.) Classical can have signs and symptoms of both Hypermobile and Vascular. Hypermobile is considered to be the most painful with a higher joint issue. I was officially diagnosed with Hypermobile with Classical tendencies. My skin itself shows signs of either. The reason that it is hard to diagnose is Hypermobile isn't linked to specific genes yet, and Classical only is linked 50 percent of the time. Right now I am in the middle of waiting on genetic testing though to make sure I don't have Vascular type. The good thing, for some parts, is that Vascular usually doesn't have the hypermobile joints as the Hypermobile type, so most likely I'm not. But we are checking to be sure. My main symptoms of the EDS side: joint hypermobility in everything but my elbows (although my hands are getting stiffer every month), my scars both keloid and become cigarette paper scars, I have lots of sprains, strains, and pull tendons, healing time on surgeries and those sprains are a lot longer than normal, stomach issues, and a few other things that coincide with my other disorders.
The Raynaud's is the easiest to describe. Basically my body can't equalize temperature correctly. Due to everything else, my heater in my body and my air conditioning is defective. I always say my thermostat is broken. With the Raynaud's I can't stay warm, get warm when I'm cold, and I always suck heat from other people. My hands often turn purple/blue and then white, like I'm getting frost bit. When they warm up they turn red and feel like they are on fire. My ears like to turn red randomly, which is more annoying than anything else. My feet are usually purple, as I prefer them to be cold than hot. Although when I take a shower they usually look almost black. (Part of this is because of blood pooling too which has caused discoloration of my lower legs and they swell a lot if I'm sitting in a chair/car or standing for a long period of time.) This next part will be slightly graphic. The worst part of the Raynaud's is called a vasospasm and I get it on my breasts. My nipples get hard, turn white, and are extremely tender. This usually happens when my body as a whole gets too cold or when I'm stressing a lot. Pressure helps, but overall pressure, like the feeling of a bra, hurts, like a searing/burning pain. It's straight up agony. I can deal with the rest of the Raynaud's, but that part sucks.
POTS, not the drug and not the opposite of pans. (Although there is a disorder PANS, but that is a whole 'nother story.) Basically anytime I move, get sick, get stressed my autonomic nervous system doesn't act normal. This affects my thermostat too, but a lot more than that. My heart rate increases, my chest gets tight, it's hard to breathe, I feel dizzy, lightheaded, like I'm going to pass out, usually my stomach starts cramping, and I start feeling the like the world is in slow motion and nothing makes sense. Afterward, assuming I don't pass out, I get super tired and confused. This can make me sluggish for a few days afterward. A few times I've had issues where my heart rate dropped too low (we are playing with the adjustment of my meds right now) and I had trouble staying awake and remembering to breathe. Usually with the POTS when I get up my heart rate jumps (30+ is the minimum for a diagnosis) anywhere from 20-50 beats a minute higher. On my meds my resting heart rate is in the mid 60s, without resting is in the 80s, and when I'm sick the resting is high 90s. You can see where a jump in my heart rate can make a huge different. When I was first diagnoses I failed my stress test 3 minutes in, they diagnosed my as POTS with inappropriate sinus tachycardia as my heart rate was 173 and I started fuzzing out. **Fuzzing out is my term for when my eyes go into a dark tunnel vision like sensation, my ears thump to my heart beat and I can't hear anything else, and my legs get weak.)
Just to help explain what I go through beside the things above... I live everyday in pain. I try to ignore it as best as I can. If I complain that I hurt, it's because it is a really bad day. I never sleep well. I have a sleep study next month to hopefully help somehow. I've always had trouble going to sleep and staying asleep. I used to live on naps and naps alone. Now if I don't sleep I drag for days. I am always tired. Sometimes I'm so tired I can't even think, but there is always some degree of tired. I get sick most times that I eat. I take a handful of meds daily to make sure that my stomach doesn't cramp up when I eat, no matter what I eat. I usually spend every day nauseous to some degree. The really bad episodes of it I feel like I can't move without puking. I couldn't live without those meds and mints. Guess I'm not living long in the zombie apocalypse. I also have to be careful when I do daily tasks, like walking. I easily roll ankles and trip. I never know how close I am to walls and end up hitting my hands a lot on walls. I can't walk straight, almost ever.
My biggest thing for all this is a two part struggle. I constantly fear that people don't believe my, my disorders, my struggles every day. And I fear that people judge me for my weakness and that one day I'll have to depend on others. With those two things, I try to always hide my struggles, pretend I'm just a normal fat kid, and push myself too hard. But I'm learning to be open and honest. My friends and family love me for me and I need to stop trying to hide it. I've been blessed with amazing people in my life who are there for me. Some haven't been there for me, and they are no longer a part of my life. I am trying to take control of my body, my life, my disorders. Now that I have the knowledge, I'm ready. Before I was ready to get healthy to do derby. I can't do derby anymore. Too high risk of damage that won't heal for me. So for now I'm a derby lover, that is going to try to get healthy for me and myself. I can do this. I hope.
http://ehlers-danlos.com/
http://www.dysautonomiainternational.org/page.php?ID=30
Tuesday, November 22, 2016
I'm a what?!
I finally have a diagnosis. Well, not just one. I am starting a collection of alphabet letters to see how many I can get. I'll start from the beginning of my medical story.
When I was a kid I knew there had to be something different with me. I was never able to do everything that everyone else did even when I tried my hardest. For physical things, I eventually stopped trying. I was the life of show and tell, I could bend extra and do things that others couldn't. They were "party tricks." And every trick I do damages my body even more. I had days where I was sick to my stomach, nauseous, stomach cramps, dizzy, lightheaded, or felt like I would pass out. Everytime I made a list and took to my doctor it was dismissed as either related to my period (yay being a female...not), my blood pressure got to low (as it just happens), or I was sick with a cold. Then there was the feeling that you weren't believed for one reason or another. As I got older the excuses from doctors for not finding things were that I was fat/overweight (and I would get another damn lecture) or I couldn't possibly have the issues I said I did.
At 13 my back started hurting and I couldn't find relief. An xray showed that I had osteoarthritis in my spine starting from the base of my head down to between my shoulder blades. I was sent to physical therapy to strengthen my back and help me deal with the pain. The PT was a nice guy, very understanding. He examined me and told me I was hypermobile in every joint and it would continue to be bother be, but I'll be fine. I was so close that day to a diagnosis. I continued to have issues spraining ankles, tearing tendons, and having PT.
Fast forward to college.
I would get sick for a few months were I dreaded eating and I would get sick everytime. Then I would have a few months of being okay. I knew that if I made it through the sick times it would get better and I would be fine. That ended up how I treated everything, if I wait, it'll get better.
I went out with a few of my friends to a concert in Charlotte, NC. We saw Saosin, UnderOath, and Devil Wears Prada. It was a great concert. I moshed for the first time. And that started the downhill of my shoulder. I used to like to stand with my arms crosses behind my back, holding my elbows. I was standing like this waiting for the concert. It was hot and I was starting to feel a little...overwhelmed? Not sure that is the right feeling, but we will go with it. So the first band starts and everyone rushed the stage. I went from being 10-15 people from stage to being 3. The crowd moved to the right then the left, back, and then forward. It was fun and a new experience. Honestly I loved it and hated it. There was no moving, you were a product of the crowd. You had no control. Then we fell. The entire right side of the mosh crowd fell to the floor. My arms where still behind my back and people where still moshing. A couple guys built a wall in front of us with themselves and then pulled us up one at a time. My right arm was pulled and I was able to stand up. I worked my way out of the crowd, hot, tired, and my arm slightly numb. I got to the back with my other friends and just chilled. The next morning I was sore, but I figured it was just from doing so much. We went out to breakfast and I had a hard time lifting my drink with my right arm. That issues continued on and off for months before I went to the doctor. I actually went to the doctor for another issue and as a side said my shoulder hurt. Two rounds of PT, lots of wearing a sling, I had what would be my first shoulder surgery. I had torn my right labrum. I'm assuming it came from that fall at the concert, but it could easily have come from years of softball. They put in two anchors, I did more PT and went on my way. A few years later I ended up at the ER for what I was told was gastritis, but ended up a few years later being my gallbladder being an asshole. I had that removed. I also had some issues with blood clots (thankfully all superficial.) It became a running joke that on holidays it was time to go to the ER. And sadly that lasted a long time. We always joke that it was a new year, I would have a new problem. I probably had at least 2-3 ER visits a year for something, plus 2-3 doctor appointments a month. Little did I know that would be small amounts.
I was so lucky that I found a great doctor. She believes me when I say something hurts, she wants to help me find an answer, and she doesn't give me lectures on my weight. She offers help, but I mean come on, I know I'm fat. I don't need to be told. She sent me to several specialists, some were helpful, some like the Vein Specialists in Asheville were assholes. The doctor there told me I was fat, gave me a lecture, and then told me I would be fine if I lost weight. Definitely not a doctor I ever back to. I was then sent to a Geneticist. I had a feeling at that point that I might have a certain disorder. As soon as I was looked at it was confirmed, I had Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. EDS is an invisible illness that causes a lot of issues. In short (as I will write a blog post just on EDS itself) everything in my body with collagen can be faulty. From my organs, my skin, my eyes, my joints, everything. Absolutely Everything. Great. I have a name to the disorder but now what? The next adventure would be learning this "zebra" disorder and then what else is wrong with me.
Zebra disorders are stated as being Zebras because doctors are taught when they hear hoof beats to think about horses, not the rare things like Zebras. So Hi, I'm a Zebra!
When I was a kid I knew there had to be something different with me. I was never able to do everything that everyone else did even when I tried my hardest. For physical things, I eventually stopped trying. I was the life of show and tell, I could bend extra and do things that others couldn't. They were "party tricks." And every trick I do damages my body even more. I had days where I was sick to my stomach, nauseous, stomach cramps, dizzy, lightheaded, or felt like I would pass out. Everytime I made a list and took to my doctor it was dismissed as either related to my period (yay being a female...not), my blood pressure got to low (as it just happens), or I was sick with a cold. Then there was the feeling that you weren't believed for one reason or another. As I got older the excuses from doctors for not finding things were that I was fat/overweight (and I would get another damn lecture) or I couldn't possibly have the issues I said I did.
At 13 my back started hurting and I couldn't find relief. An xray showed that I had osteoarthritis in my spine starting from the base of my head down to between my shoulder blades. I was sent to physical therapy to strengthen my back and help me deal with the pain. The PT was a nice guy, very understanding. He examined me and told me I was hypermobile in every joint and it would continue to be bother be, but I'll be fine. I was so close that day to a diagnosis. I continued to have issues spraining ankles, tearing tendons, and having PT.
Fast forward to college.
I would get sick for a few months were I dreaded eating and I would get sick everytime. Then I would have a few months of being okay. I knew that if I made it through the sick times it would get better and I would be fine. That ended up how I treated everything, if I wait, it'll get better.
I went out with a few of my friends to a concert in Charlotte, NC. We saw Saosin, UnderOath, and Devil Wears Prada. It was a great concert. I moshed for the first time. And that started the downhill of my shoulder. I used to like to stand with my arms crosses behind my back, holding my elbows. I was standing like this waiting for the concert. It was hot and I was starting to feel a little...overwhelmed? Not sure that is the right feeling, but we will go with it. So the first band starts and everyone rushed the stage. I went from being 10-15 people from stage to being 3. The crowd moved to the right then the left, back, and then forward. It was fun and a new experience. Honestly I loved it and hated it. There was no moving, you were a product of the crowd. You had no control. Then we fell. The entire right side of the mosh crowd fell to the floor. My arms where still behind my back and people where still moshing. A couple guys built a wall in front of us with themselves and then pulled us up one at a time. My right arm was pulled and I was able to stand up. I worked my way out of the crowd, hot, tired, and my arm slightly numb. I got to the back with my other friends and just chilled. The next morning I was sore, but I figured it was just from doing so much. We went out to breakfast and I had a hard time lifting my drink with my right arm. That issues continued on and off for months before I went to the doctor. I actually went to the doctor for another issue and as a side said my shoulder hurt. Two rounds of PT, lots of wearing a sling, I had what would be my first shoulder surgery. I had torn my right labrum. I'm assuming it came from that fall at the concert, but it could easily have come from years of softball. They put in two anchors, I did more PT and went on my way. A few years later I ended up at the ER for what I was told was gastritis, but ended up a few years later being my gallbladder being an asshole. I had that removed. I also had some issues with blood clots (thankfully all superficial.) It became a running joke that on holidays it was time to go to the ER. And sadly that lasted a long time. We always joke that it was a new year, I would have a new problem. I probably had at least 2-3 ER visits a year for something, plus 2-3 doctor appointments a month. Little did I know that would be small amounts.
I was so lucky that I found a great doctor. She believes me when I say something hurts, she wants to help me find an answer, and she doesn't give me lectures on my weight. She offers help, but I mean come on, I know I'm fat. I don't need to be told. She sent me to several specialists, some were helpful, some like the Vein Specialists in Asheville were assholes. The doctor there told me I was fat, gave me a lecture, and then told me I would be fine if I lost weight. Definitely not a doctor I ever back to. I was then sent to a Geneticist. I had a feeling at that point that I might have a certain disorder. As soon as I was looked at it was confirmed, I had Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. EDS is an invisible illness that causes a lot of issues. In short (as I will write a blog post just on EDS itself) everything in my body with collagen can be faulty. From my organs, my skin, my eyes, my joints, everything. Absolutely Everything. Great. I have a name to the disorder but now what? The next adventure would be learning this "zebra" disorder and then what else is wrong with me.
Zebra disorders are stated as being Zebras because doctors are taught when they hear hoof beats to think about horses, not the rare things like Zebras. So Hi, I'm a Zebra!
Thursday, August 18, 2016
It's been awhile...
Well, it's been three years since I wrote a blog for you guys. I'm thinking about getting back into. In a quick post a lot has changed. I stopped derby, got married, went through a deployment with my husband, had some medical diagnoses and lots of medical appointments, am now going through a divorce. It's been an adventure and I will try to detail it for you guys through several posts. It may take a while to go through everything, it may be a lot of rambling. But, bare with me, and hopefully it'll be worth your time to read about it. Maybe I can inspire, help, or just give you a good laugh. But for now, I am back ;)
Friday, March 1, 2013
Emotional Eater
Hi. My name is Kiss My Blarney and I am an emotional eater. Until you start eating right and go through something you may never know if you are or not. You have to be SUPER aware of your eating habits. Damn. I don't think I really ever wanted to find out.
So, since my last blog, my last living Grandma passed away and I got married. The night that I found out my Grandma was basically on her last night was rough. It was a complete surprise. I was doing great with my eating and working out. All I wanted was a huge muffin and a sweet drink. I have resisted eating those huge oversized muffins for almost a month. I caved. I had one. And it was good. But afterward I felt bad. I shouldn't use life events to rationalize my eating habits. Not only did I start eating for comfort I also for the first time truly felt the urge to not work out. It wasn't there. I know when you are sick you don't feel like working out. This was different. There was no drive to do anything. That's a rough feeling. Looking back maybe if I forced myself to workout I would have felt better, maybe not. All I could imagine doing at that point was going home, laying down, and just being. It was a really rough time and there are still going to be rough moments. It's not something that is going to go away, especially the week before I got married. I will always remember that. I know the healing process will take a while.
Rest In Peace Grandma R. I really hope you are proud of me in my life.
Now on to happier moments. I got married! It was a flash. A whole week of crazy: not much sleeping, last minute working, seeing lots of people I haven't seen, and a WHOLE lot of not working out. I know I know. But it's hard to drive 30 minutes to work to workout when I am on vacation. I brought workout clothes on the honeymoon, but no gym. I tried!!! So my husband is thinking of getting his personal trainer certification. I really hope he does. Now when you picture him ( I give you permission) he is not a big person, he is quite fit. He used to be, but that is his story to tell not mine. I am so proud of the lifestyle he lives and I know that he will help me in the way that I need it most and always support me. He is going to try to research my hypermobility and come up with exercises that will help and not hinder me. Isn't he amazing! :)
So I have been wearing a pair of Nike shoes that are a little tight on my toes and just overall not the best. My husband took me running shoe shopping! Not that I "run" but working out I need shoes to support my feet and knees. I had a huge meltdown over the price of shoes. HOLY CRAP. Running shoes are expensive. We went to Dick's Sporting Goods and after the freak out and getting him his crazy minimalist running shoes, we decided to go to Shoe Carnival and see what they had for a little cheaper. I ended up getting some New Balance shoes. (Funny thing, I had forgot the brand of his until I put my box next to his and realized we got the same brand!) I had no idea what to look for in a running shoe. Granted this is a trail and error process. The shoes I got may or may not be the right ones. But they seemed the best for me. The have enough support that my feet feel cushy when I jump or jog in place. The shoes are light enough that I don't feel like I have bricks on my feet. And most important to me, the shoe breathes. Yes, those of you with imagination will see in your head a shoe that has a lung and breathes. I never realized the difference of a shoe that breathed and one that didn't until I had two difference shoes on. The one I ended up getting kept my foot at a more even temperature. I am assuming it has to do with Raynaud's. I can't stand when my feet got hot. Hopefully this will help. I will keep you guys posted on the shoes!
~ <3 Kiss My Blarney
So, since my last blog, my last living Grandma passed away and I got married. The night that I found out my Grandma was basically on her last night was rough. It was a complete surprise. I was doing great with my eating and working out. All I wanted was a huge muffin and a sweet drink. I have resisted eating those huge oversized muffins for almost a month. I caved. I had one. And it was good. But afterward I felt bad. I shouldn't use life events to rationalize my eating habits. Not only did I start eating for comfort I also for the first time truly felt the urge to not work out. It wasn't there. I know when you are sick you don't feel like working out. This was different. There was no drive to do anything. That's a rough feeling. Looking back maybe if I forced myself to workout I would have felt better, maybe not. All I could imagine doing at that point was going home, laying down, and just being. It was a really rough time and there are still going to be rough moments. It's not something that is going to go away, especially the week before I got married. I will always remember that. I know the healing process will take a while.
Rest In Peace Grandma R. I really hope you are proud of me in my life.
Now on to happier moments. I got married! It was a flash. A whole week of crazy: not much sleeping, last minute working, seeing lots of people I haven't seen, and a WHOLE lot of not working out. I know I know. But it's hard to drive 30 minutes to work to workout when I am on vacation. I brought workout clothes on the honeymoon, but no gym. I tried!!! So my husband is thinking of getting his personal trainer certification. I really hope he does. Now when you picture him ( I give you permission) he is not a big person, he is quite fit. He used to be, but that is his story to tell not mine. I am so proud of the lifestyle he lives and I know that he will help me in the way that I need it most and always support me. He is going to try to research my hypermobility and come up with exercises that will help and not hinder me. Isn't he amazing! :)
So I have been wearing a pair of Nike shoes that are a little tight on my toes and just overall not the best. My husband took me running shoe shopping! Not that I "run" but working out I need shoes to support my feet and knees. I had a huge meltdown over the price of shoes. HOLY CRAP. Running shoes are expensive. We went to Dick's Sporting Goods and after the freak out and getting him his crazy minimalist running shoes, we decided to go to Shoe Carnival and see what they had for a little cheaper. I ended up getting some New Balance shoes. (Funny thing, I had forgot the brand of his until I put my box next to his and realized we got the same brand!) I had no idea what to look for in a running shoe. Granted this is a trail and error process. The shoes I got may or may not be the right ones. But they seemed the best for me. The have enough support that my feet feel cushy when I jump or jog in place. The shoes are light enough that I don't feel like I have bricks on my feet. And most important to me, the shoe breathes. Yes, those of you with imagination will see in your head a shoe that has a lung and breathes. I never realized the difference of a shoe that breathed and one that didn't until I had two difference shoes on. The one I ended up getting kept my foot at a more even temperature. I am assuming it has to do with Raynaud's. I can't stand when my feet got hot. Hopefully this will help. I will keep you guys posted on the shoes!
~ <3 Kiss My Blarney
Sunday, February 10, 2013
I'm not suppose to be great.....YET
My feelings of missing skating and derby are stronger every day. I must keep going with my path so that I can get back to it and be healthy. I must. On that supportive and positive note:
Today was one of those feeling down about my workout days. I added in weights...Not as good as it was when I stopped several months ago. Didn't expect it to be, but still feel less of a 'strong' woman that I thought I would. I also started to split my exercises up and alter what I push myself on. I started on the treadmill. Here is my biggest let down of the day. Ready for it? I ran for a minute. One single lousy minute. (I held on to the railing the whole time as to not fall.) I could complain that my foot was bugging me, that I had already fast walked over half a mile, I haven't really "ran" in like 8 years. But it doesn't matter what I say, what excuse I come up with (no matter how true), I suck. That's how I feel. Yes, I know I am starting out and can't expect to be great. But I can't help but notice that I am not even on the scale of greatness....at all. Hopefully that is the biggest YET of my life. I am not expecting to go run marathons. Maybe, just maybe, eventually, possibly make it to do a 5k, in like 10 years.... Okay, maybe not 10 years, but still. I just want to be able to. Be "normal" in a world where I try to be unique. Funny how life works.
Weights. The anti-fun for a shoulder that had surgery. From what I have figured out so far, the best way to stabilize the joints is to strengthen the muscles around the tendons and work VERY hard to not hyperextend joints during weights, or any exercise for that matter. I am back to a simple 3lbs weights for my extended arm exercises. But last time that worked up pretty fast, so I am not too worried about it. Feel a little weak and wimpy, but not compared to that stupid minute.
Seriously, what is a freaking minute? When you are doing something you hate or that hurts it is the LONGEST 60 seconds. When you are having fun a minute is a blink of time. When you try to beat the clock the time goes slower than when you are wishing time would stand still. A minute of itself can mean so much. Is it a New York Minute? Or a California Minute? When you knock a minute off of your time running, or skating it's a big thing! When you run for that straight it's a little thing. The fact that I have shaved a whole minute of my mile doesn't mean much when that minute was virtually spent running and that being the only minute of running.
It's funny, every time I think of running I always think of my 1SG from high school JROTC. There were many lessons he taught me and the other students. A big influence. But one thing that I never could do in class was run. I knew I couldn't. I knew I would suck. So I never did it. I did enough to seem like I tried. 1SG would try all he could. I dream of the day that I can go to him and say, watch me run this mile, WITHOUT stopping. I one day want to make him proud. Make myself proud. Be able to do something I have never been able to do. Be a trendsetter in my life. Is there anything in your life you want to be a trendsetter for? What do you strive for? What do you have to prove? Or loose?
~ <3 Kiss My Blarney
Today was one of those feeling down about my workout days. I added in weights...Not as good as it was when I stopped several months ago. Didn't expect it to be, but still feel less of a 'strong' woman that I thought I would. I also started to split my exercises up and alter what I push myself on. I started on the treadmill. Here is my biggest let down of the day. Ready for it? I ran for a minute. One single lousy minute. (I held on to the railing the whole time as to not fall.) I could complain that my foot was bugging me, that I had already fast walked over half a mile, I haven't really "ran" in like 8 years. But it doesn't matter what I say, what excuse I come up with (no matter how true), I suck. That's how I feel. Yes, I know I am starting out and can't expect to be great. But I can't help but notice that I am not even on the scale of greatness....at all. Hopefully that is the biggest YET of my life. I am not expecting to go run marathons. Maybe, just maybe, eventually, possibly make it to do a 5k, in like 10 years.... Okay, maybe not 10 years, but still. I just want to be able to. Be "normal" in a world where I try to be unique. Funny how life works.
Weights. The anti-fun for a shoulder that had surgery. From what I have figured out so far, the best way to stabilize the joints is to strengthen the muscles around the tendons and work VERY hard to not hyperextend joints during weights, or any exercise for that matter. I am back to a simple 3lbs weights for my extended arm exercises. But last time that worked up pretty fast, so I am not too worried about it. Feel a little weak and wimpy, but not compared to that stupid minute.
Seriously, what is a freaking minute? When you are doing something you hate or that hurts it is the LONGEST 60 seconds. When you are having fun a minute is a blink of time. When you try to beat the clock the time goes slower than when you are wishing time would stand still. A minute of itself can mean so much. Is it a New York Minute? Or a California Minute? When you knock a minute off of your time running, or skating it's a big thing! When you run for that straight it's a little thing. The fact that I have shaved a whole minute of my mile doesn't mean much when that minute was virtually spent running and that being the only minute of running.
It's funny, every time I think of running I always think of my 1SG from high school JROTC. There were many lessons he taught me and the other students. A big influence. But one thing that I never could do in class was run. I knew I couldn't. I knew I would suck. So I never did it. I did enough to seem like I tried. 1SG would try all he could. I dream of the day that I can go to him and say, watch me run this mile, WITHOUT stopping. I one day want to make him proud. Make myself proud. Be able to do something I have never been able to do. Be a trendsetter in my life. Is there anything in your life you want to be a trendsetter for? What do you strive for? What do you have to prove? Or loose?
~ <3 Kiss My Blarney
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Treadmill Vs. Balance
So those that personally know me know that I am a klutz. A huge one. I might need some advice from some of those that read this....
The treadmill. A moving yet stationary machine that confuses the hell out of my balance. I usually have balance issues. One ear drum has a permanent hole in it and the other one doesn't equalize pressure correctly. Most times I can fake balance, but apparently exercising, drinking, and being tired are three things that make it so I can't. I am eternally afraid to let go while on the treadmill. I would love, (not love, not severely hate either...) to *TRY* to run on the treadmill. Granted I know that I would be able to run like 10 steps. HA. But, I eventually want to build my endurance and start running. Every time I let go to one hand I start feeling like I am leaning to the side. Either side. If I let go both hands I am practically walking sideways. Right now it isn't the biggest deal in life, I am working on my legs building endurance so that I can work on my lungs and cardio. Any advice?
So today I wanted to try to push myself on the bike. (Not that I hadn't been doing it anyway.) I did two and a half miles on the bike in 11 minutes and 50 seconds on level 10. This was probably the first time that my breathing got heavy while biking. I want to get my speed up so that I can work on my distance. I feel like most people go for time on it, but I always race the clock. Yet, when I was doing the elliptical I couldn't help but focus on distance. The longest distance in the fastest time. I guess either way you do it you still get a workout and still can measure your advancement.
My fiance made a suggestion on the treadmill, to start at an incline. That wasn't the brilliant of ideas. I mean it was a good thing, even a great thing eventually. I tried an incline of 1.0 and did a half mile in 10 minutes and 55 seconds. That means I am slower, but I think after 2.5 miles on the bike plus the incline it's excusable. My legs definitely felt the slight difference as I couldn't actually go as fast. Yesterday I started to vary my speed throughout my workout, instead of a constant speed. I would go from 3.0 speed to 3.3 and hold for a minute. Then go up to 3.5 for a minute, then back down and stay at 3.3 for two minutes. And back and forth. I couldn't even go up to 3.5 speed on the incline today. I did push myself for the last minute and do it at speed of 3.3.
That's it for today I guess. I am kinda anxious to start back with weights and the elliptical. Maybe I will start those back in slowly next week. I am game for any advice or challenges if anyone has any. (Reasonable challenges. Remember, I am a fat kid!!)
~ <3 Kiss My Blarney
The treadmill. A moving yet stationary machine that confuses the hell out of my balance. I usually have balance issues. One ear drum has a permanent hole in it and the other one doesn't equalize pressure correctly. Most times I can fake balance, but apparently exercising, drinking, and being tired are three things that make it so I can't. I am eternally afraid to let go while on the treadmill. I would love, (not love, not severely hate either...) to *TRY* to run on the treadmill. Granted I know that I would be able to run like 10 steps. HA. But, I eventually want to build my endurance and start running. Every time I let go to one hand I start feeling like I am leaning to the side. Either side. If I let go both hands I am practically walking sideways. Right now it isn't the biggest deal in life, I am working on my legs building endurance so that I can work on my lungs and cardio. Any advice?
So today I wanted to try to push myself on the bike. (Not that I hadn't been doing it anyway.) I did two and a half miles on the bike in 11 minutes and 50 seconds on level 10. This was probably the first time that my breathing got heavy while biking. I want to get my speed up so that I can work on my distance. I feel like most people go for time on it, but I always race the clock. Yet, when I was doing the elliptical I couldn't help but focus on distance. The longest distance in the fastest time. I guess either way you do it you still get a workout and still can measure your advancement.
My fiance made a suggestion on the treadmill, to start at an incline. That wasn't the brilliant of ideas. I mean it was a good thing, even a great thing eventually. I tried an incline of 1.0 and did a half mile in 10 minutes and 55 seconds. That means I am slower, but I think after 2.5 miles on the bike plus the incline it's excusable. My legs definitely felt the slight difference as I couldn't actually go as fast. Yesterday I started to vary my speed throughout my workout, instead of a constant speed. I would go from 3.0 speed to 3.3 and hold for a minute. Then go up to 3.5 for a minute, then back down and stay at 3.3 for two minutes. And back and forth. I couldn't even go up to 3.5 speed on the incline today. I did push myself for the last minute and do it at speed of 3.3.
That's it for today I guess. I am kinda anxious to start back with weights and the elliptical. Maybe I will start those back in slowly next week. I am game for any advice or challenges if anyone has any. (Reasonable challenges. Remember, I am a fat kid!!)
~ <3 Kiss My Blarney
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