Worry and a Little Bit of Stupidity

When you think there is something medically wrong what do you do? Go to the doctor and make sure everything is okay. What do I do? Wait and make sure it doesn't go away first. So I am sitting here dreading tomorrow, because if I don't feel better I have to go to the doctor who is most likely going to send me over to the hospital for some testing. Not very happy right now as I have had a history of blood clots in my leg. Luckily none of them have been Deep Vein, at least as far as we know. Of all of the times I have gone to the doctor it always has been shallow, thankfully. Deep Vein can be deadly, especially if they travel.

So the first time I was diagnosed with them was almost a year ago. I remember it very clearly and very scarily. I woke up one morning with my right leg cramping. I had woke up in the middle of the night because it had hurt, and still was sore the next day. So I figured it was phantom type pain and would go away. It didn't. In fact it got worse. I thought maybe I pulled a muscle while it cramped in the middle of the night, it can happen. Everyday it got worse. It was the week of Thanksgiving and I drove ten hours to get home to my parent's house. It got to the point where I couldn't walk straight anymore, my feet were out turned and my knees bent so that the pain in the calf would lessen when I walked. So Thanksgiving morning I got up and my mom took me across the river into Memphis to go to urgent care. Figuring they would tell me I pulled something, give me medicine and send me on my way. Nope. I was told to leave and drive to the ER. They would call them and go ahead and get me registered. I needed to be seen right away. O_o

So we drove to the hospital and I went inside. This hospital is basically midtown/downtown in Memphis. It had a metal detector at the front entrance to the ER. I was not used to that type of welcome at a hospital. I went to the window and they already had the wrist band ready for me. As soon as my mom walked in from parking the car they called my name. There was already a room ready for me and about five nurses waiting for me. That really freaked me out. After a bunch of blood tests, an ultrasound on my legs called a Doppler, and several exams later I was released with the diagnosis of blood clots and some very nasty painful shots. The doctor wanted to make sure that because of the drive home they didn't become deep. Twice a day for tens days I had to shoot myself with this medicine into my belly. Within an inch of my belly button to be exact. By the end of the ten days of putting fire into my stomach twice a day my belly was a very nice black and blue and tender all over.

For several months afterward every time my leg started hurting in the calf I would calmly walk into the ER and get my legs checked. It kind of freaks out a nursing staff if you walk in saying "I have a history of blood clots and my legs really hurt." Oh well. The last two times I went to the ER the Doppler was clear, and my legs were hurting and went down later. That is why I am not going yet. I want to make sure it isn't just a random soreness in my calves. But in the back of my mind I am a little worried. If it is blood clots that means I can't do derby for a bit. That I think worries me most. I had to stop Karate for awhile because of the stupid things. Granted, I could call my doc tomorrow, go get the Doppler and they say that my legs are clear and all this worry was for nothing. If I wake up tomorrow being able to walk without pain and my calves don't hurt then I know it was nothing and I am fine. If it is worse and hurts more to walk than it does now then I will be calling the doctor first thing. And I will update sometime this week on what happens, especially if I get told to take a break from Derby.

Skills and Evals 1

*This is labeled as "1" because as I continue in derby there will be a whole HELL of a lot more than just one skill and evaluation days.*

Sorry this is late, I was going to sit down yesterday to type out what happened Thursday to find out that a guy I went to school with was killed. After the news I kind of lost the momentum to write for a small bit, but I am back. Rest In Peace: Steffon M.

Thursday we had a guest Derby girl, a real life Derby girl. I know that I am a derby girl, but this is one who has been skating for a few years and on an actual league team!! She rolls with the BRRG in the big town in this area. I'm not going to mention her name, b/c I have no idea how she would feel about that. But for now she will referenced to as T.N. So, she came up to help with our evaluations to see what level we skate at. You should have seen our girls. We were all so nervous to be around her. This is a person that can skate 31/32 laps in five minutes. That is a little more that twice what I can skate! It was great having her there to help out. T.N. is a really cool person though, she also brought her daughter who just happens to be joining our Jr. Roller Derby team that started today. The world is just so full of derby, it is awesome!

The original plan was to warm up then everyone would be called up for their evaluation and then once those are done with a single person on the track then everyone would do the 25 laps in 5 minutes. I decided that I was going to refrain from the testing. I know that there are several skills I can't do yet, even for level one. I didn't need to know that I was below level one, or how far. I know what I need to work on. And most of those things I work on outside of derby on my own, but just don't feel like doing them with the girls yet. I haven't tried most of the blocks or hits yet, and falling I am just now starting to do. Next month I will try to see how I do though. I promise.

I was thinking about helping the league in maybe another way for a bit. But I don't want to limit myself and become like a permanent towel girl or something. We have to have Referees and NSOs. NSO is a non skating official. I doubt I could be a ref, they have to skate more than a derby girl, and I am not even ready to be a derby girl for a bout. I think I could be a NSO though. I wonder  if I could train with the girls where I feel comfortable, still be able to advance and still do something else to help the league. I know that there will be a while before I am bout ready, but I am not sure if this is the right move for me. I don't want it to seem like I am giving up on learning the on skates portion, because I am not. I just wonder if I can help the team out in a way better than I do now. I have a lot to think about for this. Can I be a NSO without loosing my derby skating self? Would I benefit in anyway from taking on another role? I already am the league secretary and have a lot of responsibilities. I guess I will think about this for a little while before I act on it in either way.

Tomorrow I will be missing practice to spend some time with my boyfriend. He has to leave for some Army training and I need to spend some time with him. I feel bad for missing a practice, but I let the girls know and they are okay with it. The good thing is everyone has a life outside of derby, and luckily they understand that this is important to me.

I will leave you with an awesome new saying: LATER SKATER :)

~ <3 Kiss My Blarney

Way of Life

Derby isn't just a sport. It is way more than that, it is a lifestyle, and that derby 'bug' has bit me hard. I can't drive by *any* semi flat area without analyzing it for a place to skate. Every store I go into I look to see if they have a no skater sign. I walked through a mall in Knoxville, TN and was thinking about skating in between people and dodging signs and that it would be a great place to practice. They only problem I have considered with an 'everything derby lifestyle' is that it could lead me into trouble. Especially if I try to skate someplace like a mall. Most security people don't agree that public means anything the public wants to do is allowed. I have NO idea why. (Sarcasm, if you missed it.)

It is kind of a funny thing, every parking lot is analyzed: is it flat enough, smooth enough, big enough, and is it ever an empty lot? Thankfully since I work a night job I get LOTS of time during my nights off to drive around the town I live in or explore random places.

Thinking about where I could skate isn't the only derby thing that has invaded my life. It has applied greatly to my work. At work we are learning lots of new things, I feel way behind the rest of the people that I work with because they have done it for years. But, just like derby, I can't give up. It's a challenge. Derby is a physical challenge, but work is a mental one. I can't get frustrated when I don't get something, I have to keep trying and keep learning. It's a never ending cycle. That is one of the reasons I went for the job. I haven't had doubts about my job in general, just doubts about my ability. And that happens with derby too. You have to keep pushing and not give up, no matter how hard an aspect of the challenge is. The weirdest part about it is that I am finding so many similarities between the challenges and overcoming them in both. For the first time ever I am challenged in every aspect of my life and I am thrilled for this. I love constantly learning and reaching for things that are beyond my initial grasp. I am finally happy and I have a lot to thank derby for.

~ <3 Kiss My Blarney

Can't always get what you want.

Yesterday was derby practice, but thanks to work training I only could stay for like an hour. That made it very hard to do much. So I opted to take pictures of the girls as they did a few things. Because unless there are pictures, it didn't happen! (as my Boyfriend says) I hate it when I either can't go to derby practice or I can't fully participate in practice, but at least in some way I got to contribute. But let me tell you, these girls are freaking rockin' it! I am so proud of my team. I couldn't be happier with them. We are going through a few growing pains, but that happens with any new team. And in the world of derby we are still a baby. I hope that the growing pains stop soon, I think it is taking a toll on our team as a whole. People are getting frustrated with the issues going on. But on the flipside of that coin, I think it is helping to pull us together to be a stronger team, more close knit, and more willing to stand up for each other and the team. I am a roller girl and so is my team. We are sisters on skates and it will stay that way!

On a side note, let me just say how much I enjoyed taking pictures. It's been a long time since I have been able to play with someone's nice camera. I don't have a super duper nice DSLR, but other girls on our team do! So I got to enjoy one of my passions while helping out my new sport. That really helped me at my work training too I think. It relaxed me so I wasn't as overwhelmed and could concentrate more.

~ <3 Kiss My Blarney

Keep working on the hard stuff

Yesterday was yet another practice. So many awesome things happened. I'm finally feeling more comfortable with my regular skating, so I decided for the most part I was going to try what everyone else does. We did a few floor drills, and those I still have trouble with. I can walk cross overs, but only if I am near the wall. I don't trust myself enough to do it without falling. I can do the t-stops and the plow stops just fine. I am a little shaky still on doing the t-stops at a high rate of speed, but that will come later. Practicing falls is a scary thing to me. I did not attempt it yesterday at all. I'm not scared as much of the falling as I am the getting back up. It takes a lot of work for me to get up after I fall down, so why would I intentionally fall?

We played this awesome game called stick in the mud. It is kind of like the freeze tag you played as a kid, but instead of crawling under someone you have to skate two laps around them. It was a lot of fun. I have trouble skating small laps around people but I succeeded in "unsticking" a few people. Of course as the slow skater I got tagged a bunch. But it was still really fun, especially with the changing directions. Even if the Femme Reaper left me after only one lap around me and someone else had to save me.

After the games we did a scrimmage. I am not comfortable enough yet to scrimmage with the team. I don't feel like my skills are good enough to skate next to some of these girls and the whole falling thing weighs heavily on my mind. But I got the chance to take more pictures and watch a few jams.

I started my first official night as league secretary. I have some really great ideas and I really hope that I can bring those ideas and my past experiences and help the team grow. We had some sad news, one of our girls decided to resign. It's never an easy thing to see a group fall apart in anyway. But the girls have come together and I think that will make us stronger. Some stuff has happened to the team before I joined, things I don't have a right to talk about. But those things have impacted the group that I skate with. And I think that along with the girl who recently resigned will in the end help us to be a better team and a stronger team. We will miss her a lot, and she is always welcome back. That is how it is suppose to be in a family. Doesn't matter what happens or who gets mad at who. If you are family you forgive each other and you make up. I am proud to say that I am apart of this family of skating. <3

Today was my first day skating at the armory. My boyfriend had to go do some stuff there so I tagged along and brought all my skate gear. Since no one was using the floor I could skate while everyone was working and so I did. It was great. I realized a few things. It is hard to keep motivation when nobody is there to have fun with you. I need music, but I am scared to keep my MP3 player on me if I fall, so I will need to figure that out. And last but not least, I am braver when I don't have others to try to impress.  For the first time ever I tried falls. I tried both one knee falls, two knee falls (otherwise known as the rockstar), and falling on all fours.

I am a big girl and for a big girl to get up takes a lot of energy. Now add in wheels and a different position for your feet. I'm not going to lie, it was hard to get up. It took a lot of energy and I was tired after each try. I would have done more falls but I didn't want to keep getting up. As I go through everything and strengthen my legs it will get easier, but for now, a few falls is more than enough for me.  I have found a downfall with knee pads though. My knees are slightly off center and bend off to the side a little bit. Enough that when I fall my pads slide after I am on the ground. The pads still do their job and still protect my knees, but slightly awkward if I stay on my knee for any small length of time. I have to pay attention to how I have my knees if I get down on them so that the pads don't slide out from under me. This will take time to get used to. Maybe eventually if I can get customized knee pads, I will. But for now I will just live and learn.

Overall I feel like today was a success and I can't wait to skate again!

~ <3 Kiss My Blarney

Breaks

So this week was lacking a lot in the skate department. I took off Sunday and Tuesday for a family vacation at a resort near by. I may have been out of town but derby was definitely on my mind. I got half of a new derby outfit, getting the rest this week. Scary part is it is a skirt, and I usually don't wear them. The cool part though, was that I got this bracelet that had a pair of lips on it! Perfect for my derby personality!

Of course when I went away I had to bring my skates, just in case the opportunity arrived to skate. But due to getting in trouble for noise issues I decided against skating in the hotel room. I didn't really want to get into too much trouble, especially since I don't know any of the law enforcement in the area we were in. So I saved skating till Thursday.

I have decided that I hate it when I take a break. I always feel like my feet don't know what to do anymore and I loose my confidence. I pretty much sucked at practice last night. First off it sucked that I had to leave early for work, and I will have to on and off for the next few months. But I am determined to find a comfortable place somewhere in my skating. I tried doing some of the skate exercises that the girls were doing. Some of them I can do, some I can't. This one was where half the girls stop when the whistle is blown and the other half have to skate in and around them. I didn't do too badly, other than my feet hurting while skating. My feet still have to get used to the boots on my skates and build up tolerance. Beside that issue, and the confidence, I think I am doing alright. Not good, but alright.

We officially have our first bout planned. July 7th. So close and yet so far away. I know that I will not be bout ready, but that is okay. I'm excited for our team to be able to do this!! I love these girls and can't wait for this. I was used to sitting out in karate due to injuries, so I have a lot of practice in being supportive. So I can do this.

Derby has been an awesome experience so far and I really can't wait for more. Keeping my fingers crossed that I don't let anyone down.

~ <3 Kiss My Blarney

The good and the bad

So yesterday, I decided to lay out of a practice and take some antibiotics that the doctors gave me for an infection. I didn't want to miss practice, but at the same time I wasn't feeling my best in anyway. I knew that my heart wasn't in skating and I really just needed to rest my body some so that it can heal. Ugh, I still hate missing practice for any reason. I feel like the girls depend on me to be there, as they should, and I am letting them down when I miss, even if there are reasons for it. I know that this next week I will be missing two practices because of a mini vacation and that for two weeks with a week break for the next several months I have to alter my work schedule just enough to make it difficult to go to a full practice. This really frustrates me, but it is life and in life you have to do what the real world requires, and that is going to work. So hopefully with my next pay check I can order a set of outdoor wheels so that I can skate more often. And this brings me to my good news!

My boyfriend is in the military and his armory close by. I went and talked to the Sgt that basically is over it and he very supportive of the families of the soldiers and apparently roller derby. Who knew? He was really excited that I bought one of our calendars for him too.  Anyway, he has offered me to be able to skate in the armory anytime by myself or with my team, just to call him so he can make sure it is unlocked. So nights that I don't have derby or work gets in the way I can still skate. Now I just have to get the courage to actually call him for me to get in to skate. But I am super excited about this. And skating there I won't need the outdoors wheels as soon as I thought, but it would be really nice to have them though.

I had been looking for awhile trying to figure out what kind of wheels I needed and was recommended to Atom Wheels. They have a HUGE collection of all sorts of wheels. Of that collection I was told to look into either the Poison or the Pulse. Never having bought wheels before I messaged them, not knowing if I would get a personal response or an automated one. To my surprise I got a personalized message and we responded a few times to figure out exactly what would work best for the surfaces I skate on (or will skate on.) They get high marks in my book for their responses and their willingness to help me figure out what was best for me. I will definitely be ordering from them in the future and would so far recommended them to anyone else. I will let everyone know how I feel about the wheels when I order them and get to try them out.

~ <3 Kiss My Blarney

You are your own biggest critic

I have finally started to get my mind out of my head. Tonight was the first time at practice that I finally felt that I didn't suck. I don't even know where to start about tonight, so let's start at the beginning. Still feeling those butterflies before practice, but the are lasting less and less, so maybe hopefully by the end of this month, or next, I will be able to not feel all jittery when practice starts. So we did a fairly light warm up and went back to the basics. My Sensei always said that to be a master, you had to first master the basics. So that is what we did today. Which is a very good thing, especially considering I am still working on the basics. I'm getting much better at my T-stops and the plow stop. The plow stop was the easier of the two in concept and harder in muscle usage; it wears out your thigh muscles fast. If somebody ever says skating is easy I give you permission (not really though) to punch them.  It takes so much to skate, hold your balance, bend your knees so you can stay low, know where everyone is around you, do crossovers, long strides, and be able to do it all with control and confidence.

Tonight we timed our laps for the first time. 25 laps around the track in 5 minutes, that may sound easy, but it is NOT. Granted when I started this I knew that wouldn't be easy, but I had never tried to time my laps. The girls on my team did a freaking great job on this. Some people did 25 laps with time to spare, some made it, and some have laps to go. I feel fairly comfortable saying that I was the slowest, but that makes me proud of the rest of the team. I didn't do horrible, don't get me wrong. I didn't stop until five minutes were up. It was a long five minutes though. Afterward, I was talking to some of the girls about the laps and we were comparing which parts of our bodies decided to "go out" first. The others said something about their thighs, calves, or ankles. Yes, my legs were weak and by the end I couldn't do crossovers, but the worst part for me was my breathing. I hope that means that there is hope for my skills. But as soon as I got my breathing under control my legs went numb. I know that the breathing was more pressing for my body to pay attention to than the muscle fatigue. And you are probably thinking muscle fatigue, it's only 25 laps. But I challenge you to try to do it.

After all that we worked on some drills. Crossover drills running sideways across the floor and jumping sideways drill. I practiced mine next to the wall, I don't have the balance (or confidence yet) to do it on my own freewill and without that crutch of the wall. One day, one day. At least one day at a time. I started out practice holding on to the wall for support while I tried balancing on one skate and then went to doing it without the wall, just next to it. After awhile of doing the rest of the stuff we did tonight I was able to skate with my long strides balancing on different feet and balanced enough to pick up my foot. Just like I used to do. Doing that made me so proud of myself, and made me feel like I was getting back in the game (of skating that is.)

We all had a big conversation, about what our fears are, about why we second guess ourselves. It was a BIG comfort to realize we all fear the same thing. All of us seemed to fear falling in some way. Some fear getting hurt, some fear looking stupid (which I can tell you I do look stupid when I fall, and I AM the master of that), and I think some fear the same thing I do. I fear not being able to get back up. Like I said before the worst thing when you fall is to fall again when you try to get up. That is my fear. That I either will keep falling or that I just won't be able to get back up. Not injured in a way that I can't get up, but in that my legs are too weak, I can't get a holding, or my foot slipped way. That is my fear. I admit it. And now I am going to get over it. I can't be confident in what I do if I have a fear hanging over my head.

Another thing I worry about is that the girls think I suck, am not trying, or that I am just *not* doing what they do. But after talking with Big Steve I know that I do what I can and to the best of my ability and that's okay. If someone has a problem with that that it's not my issue. I am trying and not giving up. And I don't plan on giving up at all. So that worry might take sometime to get over as well but they are all things that I will work on and hopefully overcome. Thankfully I have several people on the team that support me, and support my fears. I can't thank Big Steve and Alaia the Slaya' enough for just being there and encouraging me and letting me know that it's okay. I have a long way to go, especially to be like some of the girls on the team. But as I said before, I don't plan on giving up at all. I love derby and I love skating.

~ <3 Kiss My Blarney

On a side note I did 15 laps in 25 minutes. That is my starting point. Now let's see if next time I can gain a lap.