You are your own biggest critic

I have finally started to get my mind out of my head. Tonight was the first time at practice that I finally felt that I didn't suck. I don't even know where to start about tonight, so let's start at the beginning. Still feeling those butterflies before practice, but the are lasting less and less, so maybe hopefully by the end of this month, or next, I will be able to not feel all jittery when practice starts. So we did a fairly light warm up and went back to the basics. My Sensei always said that to be a master, you had to first master the basics. So that is what we did today. Which is a very good thing, especially considering I am still working on the basics. I'm getting much better at my T-stops and the plow stop. The plow stop was the easier of the two in concept and harder in muscle usage; it wears out your thigh muscles fast. If somebody ever says skating is easy I give you permission (not really though) to punch them.  It takes so much to skate, hold your balance, bend your knees so you can stay low, know where everyone is around you, do crossovers, long strides, and be able to do it all with control and confidence.

Tonight we timed our laps for the first time. 25 laps around the track in 5 minutes, that may sound easy, but it is NOT. Granted when I started this I knew that wouldn't be easy, but I had never tried to time my laps. The girls on my team did a freaking great job on this. Some people did 25 laps with time to spare, some made it, and some have laps to go. I feel fairly comfortable saying that I was the slowest, but that makes me proud of the rest of the team. I didn't do horrible, don't get me wrong. I didn't stop until five minutes were up. It was a long five minutes though. Afterward, I was talking to some of the girls about the laps and we were comparing which parts of our bodies decided to "go out" first. The others said something about their thighs, calves, or ankles. Yes, my legs were weak and by the end I couldn't do crossovers, but the worst part for me was my breathing. I hope that means that there is hope for my skills. But as soon as I got my breathing under control my legs went numb. I know that the breathing was more pressing for my body to pay attention to than the muscle fatigue. And you are probably thinking muscle fatigue, it's only 25 laps. But I challenge you to try to do it.

After all that we worked on some drills. Crossover drills running sideways across the floor and jumping sideways drill. I practiced mine next to the wall, I don't have the balance (or confidence yet) to do it on my own freewill and without that crutch of the wall. One day, one day. At least one day at a time. I started out practice holding on to the wall for support while I tried balancing on one skate and then went to doing it without the wall, just next to it. After awhile of doing the rest of the stuff we did tonight I was able to skate with my long strides balancing on different feet and balanced enough to pick up my foot. Just like I used to do. Doing that made me so proud of myself, and made me feel like I was getting back in the game (of skating that is.)

We all had a big conversation, about what our fears are, about why we second guess ourselves. It was a BIG comfort to realize we all fear the same thing. All of us seemed to fear falling in some way. Some fear getting hurt, some fear looking stupid (which I can tell you I do look stupid when I fall, and I AM the master of that), and I think some fear the same thing I do. I fear not being able to get back up. Like I said before the worst thing when you fall is to fall again when you try to get up. That is my fear. That I either will keep falling or that I just won't be able to get back up. Not injured in a way that I can't get up, but in that my legs are too weak, I can't get a holding, or my foot slipped way. That is my fear. I admit it. And now I am going to get over it. I can't be confident in what I do if I have a fear hanging over my head.

Another thing I worry about is that the girls think I suck, am not trying, or that I am just *not* doing what they do. But after talking with Big Steve I know that I do what I can and to the best of my ability and that's okay. If someone has a problem with that that it's not my issue. I am trying and not giving up. And I don't plan on giving up at all. So that worry might take sometime to get over as well but they are all things that I will work on and hopefully overcome. Thankfully I have several people on the team that support me, and support my fears. I can't thank Big Steve and Alaia the Slaya' enough for just being there and encouraging me and letting me know that it's okay. I have a long way to go, especially to be like some of the girls on the team. But as I said before, I don't plan on giving up at all. I love derby and I love skating.

~ <3 Kiss My Blarney

On a side note I did 15 laps in 25 minutes. That is my starting point. Now let's see if next time I can gain a lap.