I wasn't always a "fat kid" but for most my life I have been. Lets face it, kids are cruel. Let me tell you a little story about this girl I knew. She always got picked on in school. Some made comments that she should drink Slim Fast instead of Slim Slow. Or threatened to buy her a subscription to Jenny Craig. For the longest time she took everything to heart. She thought she was a fat kid and not worthy of anything. Diets scared her because that meant everyone was right, that she was fat. This girl was always told by some people that were close to her that she would be beautiful if she was skinnier. She would be prettier if she was skinnier. Most of those things were told to her out of "love" and "concern". That girl is me.
Do you know how long it took me to overcome the things I was told when I was a kid? Me neither. I still battle putting myself down, thinking of myself as the fattest person in the room, and thinking I am not skinny enough to do something. When I walk in to a room I still compare myself to people, sometimes. I'm getting better. I don't think I am beautiful. If beauty was purely seen as under the skin I would like to think I am beautiful, but on the surface I am not. I don't think I am pretty either. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't think I am ugly. I've gotten past that point in my perception of myself. I just am. I owe a lot of credit of me gaining self confidence to my boyfriend though. He may not always tell me I am beautiful, but he tells me I am perfect. That I am the one for him. You may think it petty but it makes me so happy when he sees a pretty girl, a skinny girl, and I say I think she is cute, and all he can tell me is what isn't perfect on her. That gives me hope. Sometimes I think he lies when he says I am what he wants, but I try everyday to believe it more and more. A lot of the credit goes to him that I am finally comfortable in my skin. I am not necessarily happy in my skin, but I am comfortable. I have accepted that I am a fat kid. And you know what? I'm okay with that. But what I am not okay with is that it affects me in things other than the size of my clothes.
My Dad and one of my brothers are both diabetic. And don't assume they both are type 2 either. My parents have lots of cholesterol, blood pressure, and sleeping problems. As of right now the only medical issue I have like that is Insomnia, but that may or may not be caused by my weight. I do have other medical issues that are suppose to "reduce" if I loose weight. Pain might go away, injuries might happen less, and I most likely will be able to keep my blood work good. I want to not have to worry about what may happen later in life. Part of my wants to look good for my boyfriend, part of me wants to be healthy, and all of me wants to be happy. I have a long way to go for all of this. And everything I do will help me with things I love. The more weight that falls off the better my knees should feel, the lower my derby stance will get (hopefully), and faster I will get.
My goal in life is NOT to be size 6. I don't want to weight 145 lbs. I don't care. Well, some of me does, but I don't want to. I want to be healthy, happy, and good at derby. I know I have lost roughly 35 pounds in the past year and a half. All I did for that was walk more at work, Zumba randomly with friends, and dance on the Wii often. But I switched jobs so I don't walk as much, Zumba was dropped for derby, and dancing on the Wii just didn't fit into my schedule anymore. I need help with this if this is something I am going to accomplish. I don't want to be a skinny person. I don't have the mentality for it and I am not a skinny person inside. I am a big girl and for once in my life I am that person and I am proud to be me. That being said I have an opportunity to better myself, not change myself, and I am going to take it.
It took me awhile to decide that I was going to post about this. It took my awhile to decide to open my blog up to my Facebook family too. But I did, and the response wasn't negative like I was afraid of. This blog is for me and maybe to help someone else if they need it, not for anything else. And for me I need to be able to talk about what I am going through in all things Derby and all things that affect Derby. And my weight loss will affect my Derby. Therefore I will put this on here. I am joining Weight Watchers. I need help with my weight and my health. It may not be for me, but I can't be scared to try. I can't let those cruel kids in my past influence what I need to do for me. I have talked with the leader of my group and I will not know my numbers. I don't want to know what I weigh today and I don't want to know what I weigh next week. I will know when I reach my "goal weight" of being healthy. I don't want to get stuck in the number game and get sucked into goals of what I reached and what I failed at. I take failure to heart. I don't want that to affect me in this. I need this to maintain being fun, my own choice, and not a have to thing. So I may or may not post my exact losses on here. That will have to be determined as I go. But I am taking the first step for me. I am and always will be a big girl, and that is okay with me. I just want to be a healthy and active big girl.
~ <3 Kiss My Blarney
This has to be one of the hardest posts for me at this point, but as with the lessons I am learning in life, sometimes you just have to go with it.
You are and always have been beautiful to me. And I'm NOT just saying that. You would be surprised to know how many people struggle with weight and self image issues - and I admit, I'm one of them. I admire your courage to share this with everyone and I know you will succeed in whatever you decide you want to do! Sending love from Ohio ;-)
ReplyDeleteBtw, this is Deiah :)
DeleteOk so I know we're not the best of friends, but I enjoy reading someone's blog when they post and say they have one.
ReplyDeleteA lot of people don't have the guts to talk about health and weight concerns. I applaud this. We all have our issues, we really do. Your mind seems to be in the right place to do exactly what you want to do. All I have to say is, if you WANTED to be size 6 or 145lbs, it is possible. Also, with your hard work, it could be where you end up anyway. Don't worry about numbers, the best advice I can give you is to look in the mirror. Ok well, maybe like cholesterol and blood pressure etc matter eventually in life. But if you are happy with what you see in the mirror, then that is what matters. Skinny doesn't equal happy. Not the number you see on a scale, but what you see. I run kind of small, I get made fun of it at work, but I have come to set my own goal to hit the gym more to get some muscle. Apparently these days muscle = sexy. lol. But it's really because I am so conscious of getting hurt at work, I need that muscle to stay healthy. We all have our own fixes to get and stay healthy. Anyway- Bigger girls arent necessarily unhealthy. You're doing Derby apparently, aka you can whoop some tail! Not an easy sport, I hear! Skinny girls aren't necessarily healthy either. Everyone's body finds a happy, healthy place. Some of us, our happy place is weighing less, some of us it's weighing more. A woman I know had bypass surgery to lose weight, and ended up working to gain some weight back, because she felt sickly and weak at a lower weight than her higher weight now. Each of us are built to be happy in a certain place.
Every girl is pretty. We all think we're not. You are pretty, you are beautiful, and you are perfect. Your boyfriend is right. Think of it as making yourself more perfect? You've got this. You can do anything you want to do!
--Nikki Alexander (I couldn't figure out how to comment, so I just chose anonymous haha)
I love you! You and I are more alike than I think sometimes. I think that you have finally sent me the karma I have been waiting for. When I first met you I took you under my wing and it turned out that we had an amazing time together. You think that I am amazing but I think you are too. I would never have the courage to post something like this because it is so true for me. And you know my middle name is BS. When you and Mr. B came to visit me and you wrote on my board smile you are amazing. I never erased it! I'm serious it is still up there and when people ask me who wrote it I say a special friend. I joined Weight Watchers this Sunday and that's another part of the karma. I was wearing my penguin kosher shirt today at camp then I read this.I think it is karma that we go through this together. I miss you and I know we will see each other again soon but together we can do this. <3
ReplyDeleteCeleste